»HATES Homophobic, judgemental fuckwits, anyone with a god complex!
Doctors should listen more...........
11:02 a.m. - 2006-01-09
I'm feeling very ill. My IBS is bad today. I'm tired of not being taken seriously by the medical profession. I've been to hospital had all the tests done and now I'm left to cope alone. I wish they would take IBS seriously. Yes, I know there are worse illnesses out there. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't expect anyone else to feel sorry for me. I just wish doctors would listen to me. I'm in pain almost everyday and the medicine they give me don't work...but I'm told to keep taking them. I've had to alter my diet and try to cut out wheat (which is so difficult! They sneak wheat into things you would not even expect as a thickener!). It does affect my daily life. The same thing happened when I was in deep depression after my Grandfather died. I was put on prozac, which only make me feel nausea. The whole time I was on it, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I was told to keep taking it, it would eventually kick in. I kept taking it for a few months and nothing happened. Nothing against prozac, I'm sure it has been very helpful to a lot of people suffering from depression but it did not work for me. I don't have much faith in doctors since what happened to my grandad. He had a brain tumour that was mis-diagnoised as severe tension headaches. For god's sake! I'm not a doctor and I could see he had the sympthoms of a Brain Tumour. He was losing his balance, his mind was all muddled up, he'd forget things that used to be second nature to him. It was more than just a headache. The cancer had spread to his brain from his lungs. Maybe it was already advanced by then, but on the other hand maybe if caught earlier he would not have died so horribly. I'll never know. I'll never know if maybe he need not have died the way he did..slowly and painfully and depressed. Because of that doctor in Malta, I'll never know if he had a chance at living longer. That makes me so sad. I had to watch it all. He hated being helpless, he was so frustrated. The steroids made him obese and that made him hate himself. Can anyone even comtemplate what that was like? He knew he was slowly dying. He was aware until the very end. He was on heavy medication but he still felt pain. I had to watch that and help him. I also saw what it did to my grandmother watching the man she loved since she was only in her early 20s go through that. After it happened I could not cry. I still won't let myself cry. I might never stop. Some people cried when I told them the news, and expected me to comfort them! Selfish as it might sound..how can I comfort you, when I can't even comfort myself? How can I tell you it's going to be ok? I needed someone to be strong for me. I turned to someone close to me, a friend, and he cried and I had to be the strong one. My grandfather was like a father to me, for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister was 3 or 4. They were too young to be married. They were just teenagers. I was a little accident when my mum was 16 (she turned 17 one month before I was born) and my dad was only a year older. They thought they were doing the right thing but had no idea what they were getting into. I don't blame them. They just weren't ready for it. Did the best they could. I know all this is somewhat intense but I needed to write about this. I feel like a weight has been taken off me, I'm so tired of bottling things up. I should write things no matter who reads this diary. I'm not going to censor myself anymore.