Another fucking rant.
12:39 p.m. - 2006-02-22
I am in kiddie-brat hell!
FIVE BOYS RANGING IN AGE FROM 11 TO 6.
I'm shouting out (Why do little boys not hear me unless I yell like an army captain?) such bizarre statements as "No, I do NOT want to see your willy" and "Stop trying to touch my boobs/bottom/bra". I also have to stop them torturing the cat and trying to kill one another. Oh aren't boys a joy? C once politely knocked on the bathroom door and asked "Can I come in? I'd like to see you with no clothes on". Hmmmm Yes I'm really going to say "sure C, let me open that door for you!". Can't blame the kid for trying I suppose.
My goodness. Little perverts the lot of them!
Aren't I going to be a wonderful mother? heh.
I've found something out that scares me, and I just can't write about it here. I am so worried. I don't know what to do. I thought things were ok but found out an ex was lying to me throughout our relationship. He knew something that he should have told me and now I might have to deal with the consequences of that. I can't believe someone could be so cold, so uncaring as to do that to anyone, let alone someone they claimed to love. He doesn't even know how to love.
I'm happy being single right now. I don't want to get involved with anyone right now because I have to sort myself out before getting anyone else to accept me. The only reason I am thinking back to past relationships is that I'm trying to learn and change the things I need to.
The reason D upset me is I feel I was judged unfairly due to his own insecurities. That's not right, to put the blame fully on someone else when there are obviously problems on both sides. I don't want to be with him as someone who can change their mind so quickly for no apparent reason, is not someone I need. If we both sorted our problems out, maybe. At the moment, I am happy being by myself.
When I was a teenager, it seemed like the most important thing in the world to have a boyfriend. Now, I'm not so concerned but some relatives are.
I am under pressure from them to marry and have children now I'm getting "old". (I'm nearly 26! when the fuck did that become old?!?!?!).
It doesn't matter,I live as I please.
To my father, I don't give a shit that you want more grandchildren. I'm not popping out babies to please you. I'm living my life to please me. I've been under pressure from you to get pregnant since i was 15! I'm not making your mistakes. You say you have written me off as a spinster and I will never get a man. You wonder why I have low self-esteem? I would rather be single than have a man treat me like you have.
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